Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
