wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
