R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
