Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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