my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
