I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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