can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
