FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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