Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my sisters under your porch take her home
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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