Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
