i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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