I smell stomach acid.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
