Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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