i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
