When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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