my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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