I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
