I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize