Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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