He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
