Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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