I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
