make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
