This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
