Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
