don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
