I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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