Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i now understand why vodka
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
