I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
