I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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