thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
