I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
