I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
