I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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