walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I enjoy the company of your penis
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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