so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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