im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
