You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
