I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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