She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
