Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
