Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
