Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
