yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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