I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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