end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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