You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
