Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
