11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
