just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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