just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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