I wish I could teleport
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
