Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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