Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
