I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize