you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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